As a follow up to the October domestic violence awareness post, I wanted to dig deeper into what happens within an abusive relationship and how that impacts the life of the person being abused. Psychologist Lenore Walker, PhD developed the theory of the cycle of abuse by conducting interviews with “battered” women. During these interviews she began to see this specific pattern within the description of the relationships she heard about. While the cycle of abuse is commonly used as a description for what happens within a relationship, it can also be described as a funnel or a spiral because each phase changes over the course of the relationship. This development typically creates each stage becoming shorter and more explosive as the relationship continues.
This cycle has behaviors that repeat and contribute to the hopelessness that victims can feel when in a harmful relationship. It is important to say while this cycle is valuable information to have, it does not describe every type of abuse. The cycle of abuse involves 4 “phases” that include tension-building phase, the explosive incidents, reconciliation and calm/honeymoon.
It is important to add that each stage brings its own set of challenges and confusion. Within an abusive relationship, this oversimplified cycle does not address the turmoil, confusion, or desperation that typically occurs within a relationship that experiences domestic violence. While this is true I hope learning about this cycle of abuse can give insight and offer knowledge to empower those who are in the trenches of abuse.
Tension Building Phase
This phase describes the time when minor conflicts and everyday stressors begin to escalate. The abuser may begin to show signs of frustration and irritability. The victim begins to feel like they are “walking on eggshells.” Victims may feel the need to appease situations or take action to prevent an outburst or escalation.
During this phase arguments may increase and the abuser will likely increase criticism towards the victim, while the victim has increased anxiety and concern for the inevitable explosive incident that follows. The abuser may begin to snap more often and exhibit a “shorter fuse.” Other signs may be increased sexually inappropriate comments that do not fit the interaction. As the relationship continues, the victim will begin to see more “typical” signs in this stage and will likely increase their effort to appease the abuser and interactions.
The Incident of Abuse
This stage is where the abuser releases the anger and frustration that has built in the previous stage. This stage can involve multiple types of abuse or one type of abuse. These types are discussed in detail in the October blog post.
This stage may include emotional, physical, or other types of abuse. Sometimes this abusive behavior can be evident or discrete. Signs of the incident phase are physical abuse, destructive behavior, threats and insults. The more a person understands their relationship and the signs of abuse, the more they can empower themselves to make a change.
Reconciliation Phase
Sometimes the reconciliation stage follows, and sometimes as the relationship continues and the abuse grows, the reconciliation phase dissolves all together.
This phase occurs after the abusive and violent incident. During this phase an abuser may apologize and promise to change. The abuser will likely show remorse and be overly affectionate. During this stage an abuser may buy gifts and offer grand gestures as a way to apologize. The victim of abuse can begin to soften and believe what the abuser is saying. Often the abuser is genuinely remorseful and truthful in their apologies, while this is true, apologies are often a way to gain control in the relationship again which then allows the cycle to continue.
Calm/Honeymoon Phase
This phase looks and feels like a “normal” relationship. During this stage there is no passive aggressive tension and it may feel safe to the victim. This stage contributes to a victim believing the abuser has changed or has potential to change.
Within this stage an abuser may begin to minimize their behavior which contributes to the victim potentially feeling they are making a “bigger deal” than they need to. This stage allows the victim to question whether the abuser is abusive and whether or not they have changed. This stage enhances the victims belief that they could have created the incident phase, contributed to it, or even worse, deserved it.
This stage is significant because it allows the abuser to gain trust and even deeper control of the victim. Positive day to day interactions may occur during this phase. These positive interactions give the victim the false sense of safety, as said above, and allow the patterns of abuse to continue.
What happens when the cycle continues?
As the cycle continues, as stated above, the incidents can begin to happen faster with less time between stages. Victims may feel alone and confused by the cycle. Victims may experience anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self esteem, and other mental health concerns that can be attributed to the abuse. Once a victim can understand and identify what is happening within their relationship they can begin to place barriers to the cycle and take measures to protect themselves.
While the cycle of abuse can help a victim have a better understanding of what is happening within their relationship, this knowledge alone is only a building block to being truly safe. If this information resonates with you, I hope the more knowledge you can gain will give you the strength needed to keep yourself and your family safe. You are worth being loved unconditionally. You are worth being safe within your relationships.
If you are currently experiencing domestic violence or know someone that is, do not keep it to yourself, your life or their life depends on it. Below are national hotlines, as well as state specific resources for anyone who can benefit.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
800-799-SAFE (7233)800-787-3224 (TTY)
Advocates are also available to chat 24/7.
855-4-VICTIM (855-484-2846)
At Root Counseling, we believe in healing from domestic violence and changing actions to be a safe person within your relationships. If you're interested in learning more and talking with one of our licensed therapists, you can do so here.
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