Trauma responses are natural reactions to perceived threates, shaped by our past experiences. These response (fight, flight, fawn, and freeze) can deeply influence how we interact in relationships, sometimes in ways that are misunderstood or unhealthy. By understanding these trauma responses and learning healthy ways to communicate, we can create healing and build more supportive, connecting relationships.
The Four Trauma Responses
Fight Response
The fight response is activated when our bodies confront a perceived threat. In relationships, this can manifest as aggression, control, or a need to assert dominance. Those with a fight response may react to stress by becoming argumentative, demanding, or even physically confrontational.
Why It Happens: The fight response is rooted in the belief that overpowering the threat will restore safety. It's a defense mechanism that might have been necessary in past situations where standing up for oneself was the only way to avoid harm.
Impact on Relationships: While this response can create a sense of control for the individual, it often leads to conflict, resentment, and fear in their partners. The constant need to defend or attack can erode trust and emotional safety.
Flight Response
The flight response involves avoiding or escaping the perceived threat. In relationships, this can look like physically leaving, shutting down emotionally, or ending the relationship when conflicts arise.
Why It Happens: This response is driven by the need to avoid pain or danger by running away from it. It can stem from past experiences where escape was the only viable option to avoid trauma.
Impact on Relationships: Partners of those who exhibit the flight response may feel abandoned, disconnected, or unimportant. This response can prevent the resolution of issues, leading to unresolved tensions and emotional distance.
Fawn Response
The fawn response is the compulsion to please and appease the perceived threat to avoid conflict. In relationships, this can manifest as people-pleasing, codependency, or sacrificing personal needs to maintain harmony.
Why It Happens: The fawn response often develops in situaitons where pleasing the threat was the only way to ensure safety. It's a learned behavior from past experiences where conflict avoidance through submission or compliance was necessary.
Impact on Relationships: While it can create temporary peace, the fawn response can lead to the suppressino of personal needs and desires. This can result in resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity over time.
Freeze Response
The freeze response involves feeling paralyzed or unable to act in the face of a threat. In relationships, this can look like shutting down emotionally, dissociation, or feeling stuck and unable to make decisions.
Why It Happens: The freeze response is an instinctual reaction to overwhelming situations where neither fight nor flight seems possible. It's a way to cope with trauma by becoming still, hoping the threat will pass without further harm.
Impact on Relationships: The freeze response can lead to emotional distance, as the individual may seem unresponsive or detached. Partners may feel isolated, confused, or rejected, not understanding the underlying trauma response.
Healthy Communication Strategies
Understanding trauma responses in yourself and your partner is crucial for fostering healthy communication. Here are some tips on how to approach it:
Cultivate Self-Awareness
The first step in managing trauma responses is recognizing when they occur. Reflect on past experiences and identify patterns in your reactions. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help uncover these patterns and their triggers.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves staying present and aware of your emotions without judgment. When you notice a trauma response being triggered, pause and breathe deeply. This can help create space between the trigger and your reaction, giving you time to choose a more appropriate response.
Use "I" Statements
When communicating during or after a trauma response, using "I" statements can reduce defensiveness and create a more open dialogue. For example, instead of saying, "you always make me feel this way", try, "I feel overwhelmed when this happens."
Set Boundaries
Clear, respectful boundaries are essential in any relationship. If you recognize a trauma response being triggered, communicate your need for space or time to process your emotions. Boundaries help prevent escalation and create a safe environment for both partners.
Seek Professional Support
Working with a therapist who specializes in complex trauma can provide valuable tools for managing trauma responses and improving communication. Therapy can help you and your partner understand each other's triggers and responses, fostering empathy and connection.
Healing From Trauma While in a Relationship
Healing from trauma is a journey that involves both individual and relational work. Here are a few tips on fostering healing and connection in your relationship:
Build Trust
Trust is the foundation of healing in any relationship. This involves being consistent, reliable, and transparent with your partner. It also means respecting each other's boundaries and needs.
Create a Safe Space
Emotional safety is key to healing. Encourage open communication by validating your partner's feelings and experiences, even if you don't fully understand them. Avoid criticism, blame, or dismissiveness.
Create Mutual Support
Healing is more effective when both partners actively support each other. This involves being patient, offering encouragement, and engaging in activities that promote well-being, such as mindfulness exercises, meditation, or couples' therapy.
Acknowledge and Validate Experiences
Acknowledgement and validation are powerful tools for healing. When your partner shares their feelings or trauma responses, acknowledge their experiences without trying to fix it immediately. Validation helps them feel seen and understood, which is crucial for healing.
Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Replace unhealthy trauma responses with healthier coping mechanisms. For example, if you tend to freeze, practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or focusing on physical sensations to bring yourself back to the present. If you tend to fawn, work on asserting your needs and practicing self-compassion.
Encourage Growth
Healing from trauma involves growth, both individually and as a couple. Encourage each other to explore personal interests, pursue therapy, or engage in self-care activities. Supporting each other's growth fosters resilience and strengthens the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Fight, flight, fawn, and freeze are natural reactions to past experiences that can significantly impact relationships. Understanding these responses and learning healthy communication strategies are crucial for fostering healing and building stronger, more supportive connections. By cultivating self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, setting boundaries, and seeking professional support, couples can navigate the complexity of trauma responses and work towards mutual healing. Healing is a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, but with the right tools and support, it's a journey that can lead to deeper understanding and connection.
At Root Counseling, we work with individuals and couples to help them understand how their trauma responses impact themselves and their relationships. To schedule an appointment with one of our therapists, you can visit us here.