For many, the holidays are a magical time of year filled with friendship, warm gatherings with family, and delicious food. But for people living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), this season can bring up big emotions, anxiety, stress, and depression. Family get-togethers can be overwhelming and triggering, especially if there's a history of childhood trauma. BUT, I'm here to tell you that it's possible to navigate the holiday season while protecting your mental health and emotional well-being, and that's by...you probably guessed it...
...setting healthy boundaries!
Easier said than done, I know. Every year, we write a blog post around the holidays to remind you that you're not alone in the struggle of navigating relationships and boundaries with family, especially in the context of living with CPTSD. Our hope is that this blog post will help you feel prepared to enter into this season with boundaries in place so that you can enjoy the holidays in ways that feel safe for you, however you choose to celebrate them.
Boundaries: Let's Go There Together!
We're going to tackle a few boundaries you can practice implementing before the holiday season starts. When living with CPTSD, boundaries are ESSENTIAL for our ability to not only survive, but thrive.
Acknowledge Your Needs and Limitations:
Living with CPTSD means being super aware of your emotional triggers, especially around family. The holidays can sometimes amplify feelings of vulnerability or anxiety because of past traums. Recognize that it's okay to prioritize your mental health over the expectations of your family. Take time to reflect on what you feel like you're able to emotionally handle during this time. Whether that means shorter visits, limiting the amount of gatherings you go to, or finding quiet spaces to recharge, be honest with yourself about what you'll need.
Hot Tip - Consider journaling or talking with a therapist before the holiday season to figure out what boundaries you'll need to set to feel safe.
Set Boundaries Early and Communicate Them:
Healthy boundaries are essential in ALL relationships, particularly when dealing with family dynamics and people who might not fully understand your experience with CPTSD. Before family events, take the initiative to set firm, clear boundaries. These might include:
Time Limits: Before arriving, decide how long you'll stay at family gatherings, especially if long events feel draining or triggering.
Topics of Conversation: It's election year, and we all know what that means! Consider politely, but firmly, making certain topics off-limits if they could be overwhelming or triggering.
Personal Space: If you need a break, create space by going for a walk, choosing to stay in a hotel instead of with family, or going to another room where no one's at to take a few deep breaths.
It's really important that these boundaries are communicated to your family before the event. You can explain your needs in a way that feels comfortable, focusing on your well-being rather than past traumas. You're doing this to be your best self during the holidays, and you can let them know that!
Hot Tip - You could say something like "I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone, but I'll need to step out for breaks every now and then to manage my energy levels."
Create a Self-Care Plan:
Self-care is not a luxury, it's a necessity when managing CPTSD, especially during a stressful time like the holidays. Consider creating a self-care plan that includes in-the-moment strategies and preventative measures. These could be:
Ground Techniques - Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness exercises; anything that brings you back into the present moment in a calm, relaxed state.
Physical Self-Care - Make sure you're eating nutritious meals, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. Physical wellness supports emotional regulation.
Time for Joy - Plan activities that bring you joy! These could be listenting to your favorite music or podcast, spending time with your fur baby, or engaging in a creative hobby.
Hot Tip - Having a self-care plan gives you a sense of control in stressful environments.
Have an Exit Strategy:
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, family dynamics or triggers can overwhelm you. Some family members might consistently step over your boundaries, regardless of how many times you remind them. It's important to have an exit plan in place so you can leave a situation before it becomes emotionally unbearable. Drive yourself to gatherings if possible, so you can leave when needed, or have a trusted friend on standby for support.
Hot Tip - Think about creating a code word with a trusted family member or friend so they can help you leave discreetly if you need to exit early!
Manage Expectations - Yours and Theirs:
For many, there's a pressure in the air around the holidays to meet family expectations and traditions, but remember that your health comes first. You're not obligated to meet every expectation, especially if it compromises your emotional well-being. It's okay to adjust or even decline holiday invitations that feel too overwhelming. At the same time, recognize that family members may not fully understand your boundaries or CPTSD needs. Try not to take any disappointment personally.
Practice Gratitude and Joy, on Your Terms:
Even with the challenges, the holidays can still offer moments of joy and gratitude. Focus on the aspects of the season that bring you happiness! Whether it's cooking delicious food, decorating, watching your favorite holiday movies, or giving gifts to others, surround yourself with supportive people who respect your boundaries and understand your journey.
When we set boundaries, practice self-care, and manage our own expectations, we can create a holiday experience that feels enjoyable and safe, allowing us to focus on what truly matters -- our well-being and peace.
What if Family Resists?
Ah, family resisting your boundaries. This is a real possibility for many when trying to enforce boundaries, so let's tackle this question.
Stay Firm in Your Boundaries - Your boundaries are a non-negotiable. Period. If family members resist or push back, gently but firmly reinforce your stance. You don't need to over-explain or apologize for prioritizing your well-being. It's helpful to calmly repeat your boundary, even if it feels uncomfortable. For example, if you're feeling pressured by a family member to stay at a family gathering longer than what you're comfortable with, you could say, "I understand you'd like me to stay, but I need to leave at this time."
Use "I" Statements - When communicating your boundaries, frame them in terms of your own needs rather than blaming or criticizing other people. This helps reduce defensiveness, allowing family members to see that your decisions are about taking care of yourself, not rejecting them.
For example:
"I feel overwhelmed when conversations focus on (triggering topic), so I'd like to change the subject."
"I need to take a break for a few minutes to manage my energy."
Anticipate Resistance and Plan Responses - If you know certain family members are likely to push back against your boundaries, plan your responses ahead of time. Think about common scenarios where your boundaries might be challenged and rehearse how you'll respond. This helps you feel prepared and less caught off guard in the moment.
For example:
If someone insists on discussing a triggering topic, you can say, "I'm not comfortable talking about that right now. Let's focus on something else."
Manage Your Emotional Reactions - It's completely natural to feel hurt, frustrated, or angry if family members resist your boundaries. However, staying calm and composed can help you maintain control over the situation. Use grounding techniques or mindfulness practices if you start to feel overwhelmed. Take breaks when you need them. If a conversation or interaction becomes too intense, step outside, breathe deeply, or go to a quiet space where you can regroup.
Seek Allies Within the Family - This is one of my favorites! If possible, identify family members who understand your situation and can support you in setting and enforcing your boundaries. Having an ally can make a huge difference when others resist because they can help advocate for you or deflect conversations when needed.
Set Consequences (If Necessary) - If a family member continues to disregard your boundaries after repeated attempts to explain and reinforce them, set consequences. This could involve limiting your contact with them, leaving the gathering early, or choosing not to attend future events where your boundaries aren't respected. Be clear that you're making these decisions to protect your well-being, not as a punishment.
For example, you could say, "If this topic comes up again, I'll need to step away from the conversation", or, "If my boundary isn't respect, I'll have to leave the gathering."
You Can't Control Others - Ultimately, you can't control how others will react to your boundaries. You can only control your own behavior and how you choose to respond. It's quite possible that some family members may never fully understand or respect your boundaries, and that's okay. You're not responsible for their feelings or reactions. Your primary responsibility is to take care of your mental health.
Practice letting go of the need for approval or acceptance from others. This can be hard with family, but it's crucial for protecting your peace.
Consider Alternative Holiday Plans - If family resistance becomes too overwhelming, or if certain gatherings feel too toxic, consider creating alternative holiday traditions that are more aligned with your needs. This could involve spending the holidays with close friends, celebrating at home, or even doing some solo self-care activities. Your holidays should be about what brings you peace and joy, not what pleases other people.
Navigating family resistance can be challenging, but standing firm in your boundaries is an essential act of self-care when living with CPTSD. Although you can't control how others respond, you can protect your emotional well-being by staying true to your needs, even in the face of resistance.
At Root Counseling, we help clients navigate the complexity of family dynamics around the holiday season through boundary setting, self-care practices, and finding what brings them true peace and joy over the holidays. To schedule a session with one of our therapists, you can learn more about us here.